Why now?

You broke my heart.

You married me, with the promise that you would love me completely, and forever.  But at the first big challenge that life threw our way, you stopped.

You were supposed to love me but instead you hurt me more than I ever thought was possible.

We couldn't have sex, I understand this was disappointing for you.

It was for me too.  I too had not factored this into my life plan.  When I conjured up my fairy-tale, there was no sexual dysfunction in it.  Nor was there a husband who would withdraw into himself, unable to support me while I systematically worked through my problem completely on my own.  I didn't choose this, any more than you did. 

Marriage is an agreement that two people make.  Part of that promise is that whatever happens, they face it together.  Detaching emotionally from the other person as soon as they prove to have a faulty part is not part of the understanding.

All those annoying habits I had that bothered you so deeply in that first 18 months.  The way I fiddled with my hair.  The way the shower was never quite sparkling when I cleaned it.  The way I became defensive when you criticised everything I did and tried to change me.  Those were all turned into character flaws......reasons why you couldn't love me.

It took me this long to see that all those things, all those flaws of mine that supposedly destroyed your love for me, they were just an excuse.  Your way of telling yourself that you weren't the bastard that fell out of love with his wife because she couldn't have sex with him. 

You did it subconsciously, not on purpose.  But knowing that is of little comfort to me.

That is why trying to work with me now, to make this separation an amicable one is of no significance.  That is why I cannot treat you like a friend.  If ever we were to work as a team, it should have been in that first 18 months, when it might have made a difference.

We could have conquered this together, as husband and wife.  We could have been drawn together by this, instead of apart. 

You could have.......should have....... loved me.

But instead, you broke my heart.

New Years Eve

                                                                           Photo Source

I was watching a movie the other day which ended with a pretty, young couple spending their first new years eve together, on a balcony, happy and in love.  It reminded me of that first new years eve we spent together.  On the terrace of his family home, surrounded by all of his cousins.  How I was making cocktails to go with the spicy peanuts his brother had made.  How we had set off fire crackers before the countdown, a cacophony of noise ringing in what was supposed to be the best year of my life.  Our kiss when the clock chimed midnight, vaguely aware of the many pairs of eyes on us, the besotted newlyweds.

The best New Years Eve of my life.

I thought there would be sadness......yearning.......longing.  I anticipated the pain, the tears welling in my eyes.  I waited for the flood gates to open.  I imagined there would at least be anger, at what we could have had, at what I had lost.

But there was only calm.  A thought that passed through my mind, unattached to emotion.  As if it were a movie I had seen, or a story I had heard.

It was then I realised.....the memories were there, they always will be.  Ready to bubble to the surface at the smallest trigger.

But the feelings are just about gone.

He had let go a long time ago.  And I......finally......was doing the same.