I filed the papers on a Saturday.
Four years ago, we had left the same city as newlyweds, buzzing with the strange cocky certainty that is reserved for those in love.
It was like another girl was sitting in the dusty courtroom with my parents, waiting to sign the papers that would sever my life for good from that of my husband.
Surely, it wasn't me on this government brown plastic seat, among these swirls of people. No, those couldn't be my sweaty fingers clutching the green divorce papers that my husband had readily signed.
We weren't those people, the violent men and beaten wives........the unfaithful spouses......the marriages broken by meddling families. No, we weren't them. We had it all......compatibility, respect, a sense of humour. We got on incredibly well with each others families. There were no addictions, no physical abuse. Even arguments were few and far between.
He didn't love me.
A heavily pregnant young woman walked by with her lawyer and I felt sick.
Behind her were my in-laws. My brother in law I was prepared for. We had gotten along well but he had an obnoxious streak and I could bring myself to harden myself against him, to hate him even. He saw us and came over to shake hands, as if we were about to buy a car from him. I reminded myself that this was hard for him too, that he was doing the best he could. His wife came too, which I wasn't prepared for. One of the sweetest people I knew, she and I had developed a friendship and I knew she genuinely liked me. We chatted briefly and I held it together somehow. Our eyes expressed the sadness that couldn't be spoken.
When my turn came, I moved as if in a fog. I signed in every spot that the clerk jabbed at with his finger, my brain sending synapses to my hand that seemed to have nothing to do with me.
Afterwards, I lay alone on the bed, reading, filling my bewildered mind with new ideas. Leaving no room for sorrow.
A numbness took over. Surprisingly, there were no tears, just the overwhelming desire to be alone.
I have mourned this already, over and over again.
