New Years Eve

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I was watching a movie the other day which ended with a pretty, young couple spending their first new years eve together, on a balcony, happy and in love.  It reminded me of that first new years eve we spent together.  On the terrace of his family home, surrounded by all of his cousins.  How I was making cocktails to go with the spicy peanuts his brother had made.  How we had set off fire crackers before the countdown, a cacophony of noise ringing in what was supposed to be the best year of my life.  Our kiss when the clock chimed midnight, vaguely aware of the many pairs of eyes on us, the besotted newlyweds.

The best New Years Eve of my life.

I thought there would be sadness......yearning.......longing.  I anticipated the pain, the tears welling in my eyes.  I waited for the flood gates to open.  I imagined there would at least be anger, at what we could have had, at what I had lost.

But there was only calm.  A thought that passed through my mind, unattached to emotion.  As if it were a movie I had seen, or a story I had heard.

It was then I realised.....the memories were there, they always will be.  Ready to bubble to the surface at the smallest trigger.

But the feelings are just about gone.

He had let go a long time ago.  And I......finally......was doing the same.