And so it happened

They started while I was driving home from work.  Triggered by nothing more than a pleasant memory, a sweet gesture that was well in the past.  The first few tears were slow, fat drops making rivulets down my cheeks.  Soon there were more memories, and with them came more tears. 

The time when I had the flu and he got up extra early on a Saturday morning to go to the shops.  He came back with brioche, something he had to visit several different shops to find.  While I continued to sleep, he put together a breakfast that he knew I would love.  I awoke to him leaning over me, asking how I felt and offering me French toast and coffee.

The solitary tears came faster as I reminded myself not to speed past the speed camera on the way home.  More thoughts came, unbidden.  The first time we kissed, sitting by that tiny waterfall after our picnic.  There were sobs now, and my shoulders shook with them as I pulled into the driveway.

I cried for an hour that night, and even my usual tactic of counteracting each pleasant memory with a painful one didn't help.  This was the breakdown I had been expecting since we made the decision to separate more than three weeks ago.  Despite how composed and functional I had been since then....despite the relief I felt, I know I was not exempt from this.

Unlike my tears over the past three years, these were not of desperation or of frustration at not being able to save something that was slipping from my grasp.  No, these tears were merely a release.  A mourning of what was and what should have been.  Of what we had, even though it was never quite what either of us wanted.  These were tears that tried to make sense of how he could be so wonderful to me at times, but still steadfastly not be in love with me.  They were of sadness, of an acknowledgment of loss.

So I cried as much as I needed to.  And I knew that this would not be the last time, that I would need to do this over and over until the pain had subsided, the loss had been mourned and the wounds had healed.

I cried, I missed him, and I cried some more.